Quantum Bogosity: 9.11.05
“Smell the Coffee” column from the Sunday, Sept. 11, 2005 Sunday Gazette-Mail:
Our credit union’s board meeting was nearly over when Connie Risner, our manager, asked one last question. “Are any of you familiar with the term ‘quantum bogosity’?”
We all looked perplexed.
“OK. I don’t feel so dumb, then.” Connie said. “I thought maybe everyone knew about it but me.”
“What is it?” I asked.
“I’m still not completely sure I understand,” Connie said. “But I was having trouble with a computer program. No matter what I tried, I couldn’t get it to work, so I finally called tech support. But just as soon as I got the guy on the line, before he could even tell me what to do, my computer suddenly started working again. The tech said that happens all the time. He called it ‘quantum bogosity.’”
I was intrigued by the term, so I jotted it down. When I researched it later, I found much information on the subject - most far too complicated for my poor, tired brain to comprehend. Luckily, I found one definition that made sense. “Quantum bogodynamics is the impetus that causes a sharp increase in hardware and software failures in the presence of suits. Suits emit bogons, which computers and other mechanical devices often absorb in a negative way.”
I thought of all the times I’d witnessed the copier stop working the moment a suit walked in the room. Or how my computer could be buzzing along, but if I attempted to access an urgently needed file for a boss, it would either lock up or the file would disappear.
But were suits really the trigger? Or could it be something more? Perhaps bogons aren’t only emitted by suits, but by the mere presence of a person who actually has the qualifications to fix whatever is wrong.
For example, my husband’s car kept dying over and over, but at the shop, it runs fine. Back at home, the problem returns. Could mechanic coveralls emit engine-altering bogons?
Other times, after suffering a medical problem for ages, I’ll finally give in and go see the doctor. But after just a minute or two in a waiting-room chair, my problem is gone. Same thing with the dentist. Endure a bad toothache for weeks. The day of the appointment, the pain goes away. Could the proximity of medical scrubs stimulate bogons that heal?
The situation that most baffles me, though, is the one involving my hair. After a dozen or more consecutive bad-hair days, on the morning of my appointment, my hair will never look better. I suspect beauty shop bogons must be the strongest of all, as they’re powerful enough to affect ‘dos that haven’t yet passed through their doors. It also explains why, in the days after a cut, I can never re-create the same look.
The more I consider it, the more of a believer I’m becoming. Bogons are real. Real and varied. Wildly varied. Some are present in suits, others in scrubs or coveralls. And I suspect there might even be bogons in the clothes of darn near every guest I’ve ever cooked for. Bogons that cause my recipes to fail.
