“You’re a rare bird,” wrote an emailer I’d never met. I’ve been called many things, but never a bird. I’ve had pet birds, been served birds and flipped birds, but never called a bird. Much less a rare one.

But it got me to thinking. Birds are easily identified. Their physical markers, traits and quirks are well-documented by one field guide after another. But what about columnists? There are no field guides available to help enthusiasts distinguish one from the next.

What follows is a brief. . . um. . . wren-dition of a Field Guide for Columnists, Charleston Edition. So strap those binoculars around your neck and see how you fare at identifying the crew.

* * *

The saggy-breasted Re-gret is a pasty white creature that can generally be spotted rummaging in the clearance sections of major department stores, especially in the weeks immediately following Christmas. The Re-gret is generally in constant motion, seldom stopping for long. She feeds by foraging from the plates of others and finishing the food left behind by her offspring.

The Re-gret has a keen sense of smell and vision so acute it can monitor her hatchling from two rooms away. Physical characteristics include a prominent beak, broad tail, ample drumsticks and large, duck-like feet. Often mistaken for a Loon or a Grouse, the Re-gret moves awkwardly on land and is often witnessed tripping over its own feet.

The Re-gret is capable of making many sounds, but its most common song is one directed at its chick every morning, a high-pitched and increasingly shrill, “hurryyup.”

Hunters claim the most successful call for attracting the Re-gret is, “two-for-one, two-for-one.”

* * *

The fuzzy-headed Steelhummer is a tall, good-natured and ambling creature, its crown heavily covered with an abundance of high-sodium salt and pepper tufts. The Steelhummer originated in Central Oregon, but adapted well to the W.Va. climate. It seems happiest outdoors, although standing still in flowerbeds can occasionally cause one to be mistaken for a garden gnome, minus the hat.

A Steelhummer can be a master of disguise, able to alter its appearance drastically by simply removing the patch of feathers that sprout in a fan-like shape directly under its beak.

* * *

The lesser-known cousin to our country’s proud national bird, the Bald Eagle, is the Baldsportseditor, also known by the Latin exhusbandicus. The Baldsportseditor, or BS for short, is an opportunistic feeder, regularly traveling from one event to the next in search of his two favorite delicacies–the elusive buffet and open bar. The BS is known to be attracted by the smell of cigars and the sound ice cubes make as they clink against glass.

The call of the BS is a generally a cross between a hoarse croak and a mumbling grunt, and he tends to be good at his trade as it is natural for him to wear down his prey with relentless pursuit. The BS will corner his target, then pepper it persistently with those guttural grunts until a tasty tidbit is tossed his way, long before it is offered to anyone else.

Unlike the Bald Eagle, which really isn’t bald, the dome of the BS is mostly gray, patchy and thin. Fortunately, the BS is generally blessed with a good sense of humor and accepts ribbing in stride. They find it emu-zing. Even pheasant.

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