Darn, I thought when I looked at the calendar and realized April Fools Day would fall on a Saturday.

Darn, my daughter and husband will probably soon be thinking, too, when they realize my pool of prank subjects has been reduced to just two.

I prefer having a plethora of coworkers to choose from, as it offers a better chance of catching my victim off guard. But my family-they know me too well. A distrustful lot they are, too.

Since my choices are limited, I plan to rise Saturday morning at my usual time, make my usual noises, not vary from my routine, which includes getting Celeste up for school. My girl, who is NOT a morning person, habitually squeezes in a few extra z’s by eating while still soundly asleep. Each morning, once she’s seated at the table, I put a bowl of cereal in front of her and, without once opening her eyes, she begins to spoon it into her mouth. Occasionally her arm will stall somewhere between bowl and mouth and I’ll have to give her a nudge to get her going again. It’s a fascinating process to watch–to witness someone eat and dress and brush teeth while just minimally conscious. And it’s a process I’m counting on using against her come Saturday morning.

I wonder how long she’ll stand and wait for the bus.

Before anyone starts thinking I’m cruel, trust me–I owe her one. Actually, I owe her several. Ever since Celeste learned my weakness (startle me and my knees go out, like one of those fainting goats), she’s been torturing me. When she noticed I was going around the house picking up clothes for the laundry, she sneaked in the bedroom and hid in the hamper. When she heard me say I was going to go take a shower, she hid in the linen closet. When I went to give a goodnight kiss to what I thought was my daughter, she grabbed my ankles from under the bed.

Thud.

That’s one apple that didn’t fall far from the tree. And when it fell, it made the same sound as her startled mother.

It might sound a bit crazy, but I seldom discourage her from playing pranks, although I want to make certain she recognizes when she’d be going too far. For example, coloring Styrofoam packing peanuts with watered-down orange food coloring and putting them in a candy dish would be ok. Switching my Raisenettes with chocolate covered ants would not.

Generously sprinkling confetti (or glitter) in a little pile on top of the blades of a ceiling fan would be ok. Doing so on our home ceiling fan would not.

Putting Saran Wrap tightly across a door frame would be ok. Putting Saran Wrap tightly over the toilet bowl would not.

Taping a sign to the speaker of a fast-food drive through that says, “Having speaker trouble–please talk extra loud and very slow” would be fine. Taping a “Wide Load” sign to the back of my coat would be going too far.

Just six days to go. Then the games will begin.

P R A N K S

* ONE of the best practical jokes I’ve heard about was one played by a guy whose little sister had a pet turtle–the green kind they still sell at some pet stores that you keep in a glass bowl with water. His sister loved her little turtle and was always worrying whether it was eating enough, so the brother went to a pet store and found a turtle that looked exactly like hers (not hard to do), only this one was a little bit smaller. He replaced her turtle with the smaller one, then several days later, replaced that one with an even smaller one, then did it again with a really tiny one. He marveled with his sister over her incredible shrinking turtle, then waited a few days and replaced it with the slightly bigger one, then again and again, until she had her original turtle back. He claims she never figured it out.

* REMOVE the small electronic music button out of a musical greeting card and hide it under your carpet in an area where there’s a lot of foot traffic. Whenever it’s stepped on, the music will play. It’ll drive everyone (including your pets) crazy trying to figure out where the music is coming from.

* PROGRAM a universal remote control to work with the main TV, then hide it under a seat cushion where you can discreetly make it change channels or raise and lower the volume while the person holding the “real” remote control goes nuts.

* THE next time you’re a passenger in a car going through a drive-through window, tell the person driving that the restaurant you’re at is having a promotion where you can get a free Whopper (or whatever) just by saying “I can spell Whopper” when asked, “Can I take your order?”

* OLDIE but goodie - put a rubber band or a piece of tape around the squeeze handle of the kitchen sink sprayer. Whoever turns the water on will get blasted with water.

* WASH out a can of dog or cat food, then replace it with a similarly smelly food (like tuna), then casually spoon some of it into your mouth while talking to your family. This also works well with a box of dry cat food. (Cracklin Oat Bran looks and sounds a lot like cat food.)

* I LOVE this last one — wish I still had a Brownie troop I could do this one to. If you go to this site, they have find-a-word and crossword puzzles you can print that can’t be solved. http://www.chrisdunmire.com/fun/worlds.hardest.puzzles.shtml

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