All’s not fair
In some soccer coach’s basement there is a little gold trophy with my daughter’s name inscribed near the base. We never went to the post-season party to pick it up, never attempted to get it some other way. She didn’t deserve it. And didn’t want it. She hated soccer. She hated the uncomfortable shin guards, the goofy socks, and the boring black shoes.
She didn’t like practice and she passionately–fervently–didn’t like games. Still, for completing the season, they wanted to give her a trophy. I couldn’t understand why. To my mind, if you start, you finish, and that gets an “atta girl”–not a trophy.
I recently shared a waiting room with two mothers whose conversation seemed to be about how life wasn’t fair. One was complaining her son wasn’t allowed to go on a field trip reserved ‘unfairly’ for high-achievers. She admitted her son made little effort to earn a spot on the trip, but in her eyes, it was unfair that others were rewarded while he was not. The other mother was upset because her son had received a failing grade for falling asleep in class repeatedly. “It’s not fair,” she said. “He turned in most of his assignments.”
So let me see if I’ve got this right: Doing most of the assignments should be good enough to give her son a pass on that sleeping-in-class thing? Has our society become so obsessed with fairness that we’re raising children to believe everyone should be treated the same, regardless of effort or talent or skill? Life isn’t that way. Life isn’t always fair.
When I mentioned this to my husband, Geoff, he told me about when he was a teenager. He was from a blended family–his father, who had two kids, married a woman with two children of her own. The two oldest boys were just entering their teenage years when they met. They were both used to being the oldest. The two younger were used to the slight privilege younger siblings sometimes receive. As you can imagine, cries of “That’s not fair!” were soon commonplace. Geoff’s father, Winston, sat all four of them down and said essentially this: “On any given day, life isn’t fair. That’s the way it goes. But we hope that in the long run, everything evens out. Live with it.”
I fear we’ve become so obsessed with fairness that we’re raising a generation that believes they’re entitled to get the same as everyone else. But life isn’t that way. By trying to run our schools and after-school activities counter to reality, I think we’re doing a disservice to our children.
I’ve sat through awards assemblies where every child received some recognition. I’ve attended sporting events where every single participant carried out a big trophy. And every time I see it happen again, I shake my head.
The trophy is devalued. The certificate is nothing but a piece of nice paper with pretty type fonts. It means nothing. Costs nothing. In the quest to make everyone equal, to make everything be fair, no one is special. In an attempt to bolster self-esteem across the board, we seem to be saying esteem is valued more than hard work and achievement.
High self-esteem and low achievement are not a good mix. Research is now showing that exact combination leads to children who bully and engage in criminal behavior. Unrealistically high self esteem combined with low actual achievement leads to an exaggerated sense of entitlement, and is more likely to lead to frustration and aggressive, antisocial, and even criminal behavior. If we want to breed a generation of self-important criminals, the way to do it seems to be to reward everyone–fairly–for the most trivial of accomplishments.
I imagine there are many (especially trophy salesmen) who won’t agree with what I say, and that’s unfortunate.
I believe we need to challenge our children to excel and reward them when they do something especially well, but kids need to know they’re valued regardless of whether or not they win a prize. Sure, it would be nice if everyone’s special talent or skill could be given equal time, but it’s seldom that way.
That’s life.
I only have a few trophies from when I was growing up, but I earned them. And they meant something to me because of that.
I hope someday I’ll her my daughter say, “Look what I won!” instead of her usual, “Look what I got.”
August 4th, 2006 at 3:00 pm
And I say “AMEN!” I could not agree with you more. ‘Entitlement’ is one of those words that simply rubs me the wrong way. Why is anyone entitled to anything unless they’ve done something/anything to deserve it? When you reward someone for so-so behavior or achievements, how will they ever have the desire to attempt to accomplish something greater? That is the stuff of which mediocrity is made, and personally, I want more than that for my children.
I also understand that there are those who are incapable of achieving the same things that others might, whether it is because of disabilities seen or unseen. What needs to be rewarded is the effort. Society as a whole has gotten lazy and effort isn’t necessary when they know they’ll be rewarded regardless. I’d much rather fail and know that I’ve given it my very best than to accept a reward I know I don’t deserve.
August 4th, 2006 at 4:24 pm
Amen..Halleujah…Right On…very well stated! I like the way you think.
This may going off on a tangent, but people don’t want to work for anything these days, whether it be a passing grade, a trophy, a spot in the starting lineup, or to keep a roof over their head.
Karin, you know about the project I’ve recently undertaken. Four times in the past two weeks I’ve been approached by four different people looking for part time employment doing odd jobs, etc. All the while, within four blocks are at least three different businesses with signs outside advertising employment opportunities. These people don’t want to work–they basically want a handout. If they wanted to work they would seek a real job with a steady income.
And, how about the two men who trespassed and became lost in that abandoned coal mine earlier this week? They went into the mine to steal electrical cable and other scrap metal to sell for profit. In a newspaper article announcing their safe rescue, a relative of one of the men was quoted as saying the two of them were always doing anything they could to pay the bills and eat. Don’t get me wrong–I’m very glad the men were found alive and unharmed. But, I have to wonder, have they have ever condsidered getting a JOB? If nothing else, it’s a much safer alternative than what they did on their last (mis)adventure!
I didn’t mean to get on a soapbox, but you really struck a nerve with this one. Thanks for the forum and for letting me vent.
August 7th, 2006 at 3:50 pm
I don’t completely agree. I think all of the members of a sports team should be awarded at the end of the season for their efforts in team work. It doesn’t matter if they played much, played well, or even scored at all. What it comes down to is being a part of a team, and sticking to a commitment to do so. Regardless of the fact that she disliked the sport, she stuck to it, put on the uniform she hated, went to practice, and played. I am impressed that she didn’t just give up early in the season when she probably wanted to more than anything. For that alone, why not give her special recognition? Too many kids quit these days, if you ask me. She didn’t quit.
I think it’s unfortunate in fact that you chose to brush off the end of the season celebration, and not show up at all. I believe that would have been a good opportunity for one final show of sportsmanship, don’t you?
I DO agree that today’s society is too caught up in being perfectly “PC” or fair to kids. Life IS hard and they will encounter let downs and disappointments along the way. I don’t believe we need to hand out awards at the end of every school year for things like “Most Cheerful” or “Good Helper”. I do get tired of those types of awards ceremonies, because they are so clearly unnecessary. I do wish things could go back to “the way they were” and kids were allowed to be disappointed from time to time, because we all know life comes with disappointments, alongside the achievements.
August 8th, 2006 at 6:06 am
The thing is, she didn’t WANT to finish the season. She would have quit. The only reason she went was because I made her stick it out. My parents didn’t allow my brother and I to quit and I always appreciated that. Most of the time, there was a period where I’d really want to quit, but if I stuck it out long enough, I’d start enjoying it. I thought it would be that way with her and soccer (since that’s how it was with dance, which she now loves), but it never happened. She chose not to go to the end of season party and that trophy meant nothing to her. She had another trophy from a previous year that was given for just being on the team–it meant so little to her that when gathering things for a yard sale, it was one of the first things she tossed in the box.
I think everyone on the team should maybe get a team t-shirt, and the players who worked the hardest or showed the most improvement or who never complained–those kids should be recognized with a trophy or ribbon. It gives the other kids something to work for. But to merely show up and give nothing at all beyond her presence–why should that be rewarded?
If it isn’t earned, it isn’t appreciated.
August 10th, 2006 at 2:16 pm
Hi Karin!
As you know I don’t have kids but I just HAD to comment. It amazes me at what kids today think is OWED them. What ever happened to preparing your children to be responsible adults? I have a friend who from the time her son was born has said, “I am not raising a child, I’m raising someone to be a responsible, giving, generous addition to our society”. What a concept!! But you know what he knows how to handle disappointment. He understands that life isn’t always fair. He understands that he isn’t always going to get what he wants. And he is only 11.
Kids need to be prepared to face the hard cruel world, which no one can say that at times the world isn’t hard. However, without the tools to do so, such as knowing how to handle stress, disappointment, doing things they necessarily don’t want to do, they are going to be miserable adults.
I work with a few of them now. They’ve hit their 20’s, have their first ‘real’ job and they do nothing but complain. Why? Because they believe they are owed the job & the paycheck without having to do anything in return for it. It isn’t fair they can’t take 5 extra breaks a day to go smoke. It isn’t fair that they have to stay on the phones while Billy Bob is doing something else. It isn’t fair that Sally Sue has a bigger monitor than they do. I actually heard one new associate tell our clerk that she didn’t want a ‘used’ tape dispenser; she wanted a brand new one in the box. I bet mommy still does her laundry too!
August 10th, 2006 at 2:27 pm
Hey! Why do all my quotes come out looking like little alien looking thingys?