Hot. So hot. Too hot to think.

Why, it’s so hot I just saw a bird using a potholder to pull a worm out of the ground. So hot the trees are whistling for dogs, cows are giving evaporated milk, and farmers are feeding crushed ice to their chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.

I don’t do well in hot weather. All these years of living with air conditioning has me spoiled. I’m in awe of those who work outdoors during times like this, when it’s so hot you just want to take off your skin and sit around in your bones.

The weather has made me a slug. Even though I’m in the artificially cool indoors approximately 23 1/2 hours a day, something about this weather leaves me feeling drained. I miss being able to sleep with the windows open and going for walks before dawn. I made it as far as the corner once this week before turning back. It was too muggy and damp.

Before dawn.

You can tell how wretched it is outside without getting near a thermometer. The streets are often as empty as they are in the midst of a blizzard. People are beginning to complain of cabin fever as much as they do in the winter.

I keep waiting for the weatherman-who has to be tired of saying the same thing day after day-to start ad-libbing. Instead of, “It’s 95, but the heat index has it feeling like 110,” I keep expecting to hear, “It’s 95, but I’ll tell you what. It feels like HELL. I just passed Lucifer a few minutes ago. He looked miserable.”

What’s the deal with this whole “heat index” thing anyway? I suppose it’s the summer equivalent to “wind chill factor,” a term sadistic weathermen use when saying “it’s going to be 95 degrees with 100% humidity” just isn’t enough.

The jokes about it being so hot you can fry an egg on the sidewalk are no longer just jokes–they’re inspiration. One industrious woman from Bedford, N.H., made the news last week for baking cookies on the dash of her Toyota Rav4.

(I’m not sure why the big fuss, though. I use my car to prepare meals all the time. I call the technique, “drive-thru window.”)

As a public service, I’ve decided to pass along some of the best tips I’ve collected for how to survive during this dangerously hot summer weather.

* Purchase a Celsius thermometer to enjoy summer temperatures that rarely exceed 35 degrees.

* If you have to sleep with the window open, stretch a damp sheet across the window.

* Wear your clothes wet, straight from the washer.

* Wear your underwear wet, straight from the freezer.

* Play Christmas music. (It probably won’t make you feel any cooler, but the annoyance factor should distract you.)

* Duplicate the effects of a fan by deliberately aggravating those who talk with their hands.

* Block as much sunlight as possible. Room darkening shades are excellent. Eyelids also work well.

* Slip an ice cube down the back of a child. (I guarantee the child will “repay” you a dozen times over.)

* Move slowly. Very slowly. In fact, just stop moving altogether until this heat wave is past.

(Thanks to “Southern Miss” for sharing her “It’s so hot…” collection.”)

This entry was posted on Saturday, August 12th, 2006 at 4:57 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.