I occasionally have trouble with insomnia. It’s something I’ve mentioned it in my columns and on my Gazz blog a few times in the past. After a day or two without sleep, I’m not all that bad. But by several days in, I’m a nut. I do stupid things.

For instance, it was a lack of sleep that once prompted me to believe it was a good idea to use a box of (extremely expired) hair color I found while cleaning a bathroom cabinet at 2 am.

It’s what caused me to alphabetize our spices, Superglue two fingers to a Popsicle stick, and get so angry with Stephen King over how he ended Pet Sematary that I got rid of all of his books.

Thankfully, my insomnia bouts don’t usually last more than a week or so at a time. Whatever stressor kindled my curse will soon have weakened or passed, and I’ll be back to getting my usual five or six hours of z’s.

Determined to squeeze something positive from these aggravating times, I started recording the bits of wisdom I’ve learned during my middle-of-the-night meanderings.

For instance, I’ve learned it’s not smart to take an opinionated dog for a middle-of-the-night walk around homes occupied by easily offended, light-sleeping dogs.

I’ve learned that at 2 a.m., if you can’t tell the difference between ivory, eggshell and off white, it’s best to wait until daylight to paint rather than trust that your choice truly is “close enough.”

And I’ve learned it’s not a good idea to attempt to trim tangles out of the hair of the neighborhood cat without having a potential donor matching your blood type close by.

Those without sleep shouldn’t attempt to tweeze their eyebrows, cut their own bangs, or be allowed anywhere near a home bikini wax kit.

And they should know to never hit “send” even though they’re certain the recipient of their cleverly worded email will not only understand, but appreciate, the bizarre tome for the wittily sarcastic masterpiece that it is.

I’ve learned that bad lunchmeat can smell just fine at 2 a.m.
And that one’s judgment over whether the contents of the dishwasher are clean or dirty can be grossly wrong.

I’ve learned Dirty Dancing is on practically 24 hours a day, that David Oreck never sleeps, that Tom Bosley must be down on his luck, and that it’s terribly important to Wilford Brimley that his diabetic supplies be delivered right to his door.

I’ve learned sleep deprivation can make one incapable of following story lines involving anything more complicated than, “Mr. Brown can moo. Can You?”

And that rearranging furniture while the rest of the family is sleeping can bring about entertaining results.

I’ve learned there are long infomercials that run all hours of the night featuring young women who can’t restrain themselves from lifting their shirts while yelling out, “Woo!”

And that writing down the many stupid things one does after several days without sleep can fill up a column.

This entry was posted on Friday, September 22nd, 2006 at 12:34 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.