He speaks with the trained voice of a professional, words carefully chosen, precisely enunciated. His eyes sparkle with mischief as his stories flow out, frequently punctuated with laughter so raucous his whole body shakes. Much like his famous boss. 

In the years after leaving the Pole, this one-time vagabond with a love for flying spent time seeing the world before turning his wanderlust into a lucrative career as a transportation specialist with Federal Express. He was a star on their fast track when he got The Call—the North Pole wanted him back. 

The self-proclaimed life of the party, Blitzen didn’t consider himself a success until he finally managed to make Kringle laugh so hard eggnog shot out his nose. A shameless flirt, he doesn’t let a wedding ring deter him from waggling his eyebrows and inviting an interviewer to join him in some (wink wink) “reindeer games.” 

He dreams of spending his retirement touring as a stand-up comedian, an act he hones every chance that he gets. 

Let’s hope his retirement is a long time away.   

“Even though it’s sort of the family business, when the team manager called about the position, I couldn’t have been more surprised. When I left the Pole, it wasn’t exactly on the best of terms. Let’s just say Santa failed to see the humor in my mixing beans with the team’s feed the evening of the Big Fly. 

“It took me a few years, but I managed to do well for myself. I had a house in Memphis near the FedEx headquarters, a condo in the Keys, a winter place in Snowshoe. But I also had an ex-wife in Memphis, one in the Keys and was heading for a third in Snowshoe when the call came. 

“I’m the oldest of four boys, so according to tradition, one of us would fill the spot. They don’t like changing names because of the song. Blitzen’s actually our surname. Most people assume it’s our first, but that’s just the case with Rudy. His last name’s too hard to pronounce. Too many consonants in a row. A real tongue-twister. Can you imagine kids singing ‘Jagnakowski the Red-Nosed Reindeer?’ It never would’ve caught on. 

“Anyway, it turns out one of my brothers has a fear of heights, one gets air sick, and even though the third’s a great flier, his weight was a problem. Fliers have to maintain a certain weight or the sled tips to one side. Just between you and me, that’s why some Nitro kids got shorted a few years back. Dancer had apparently become more of a Sitter, if you know what I mean. He was so torn up about what happened that afterward, he went on the all protein diet. But you know, there’s a reason deer don’t eat protein. Deer ARE protein. 

“When the whole mad cow deal hit the news, Dancer panicked. He didn’t want to quit the all-protein diet, so he switched over to venison. “Think about that for a second. OK. Are you with me? Creepy, huh?

I’m not sure how Santa managed to keep that one out of the papers. Anyway, one thing led to another and before long, there was an opening on the team. 

“At first, it was hard for me to get away from the corporate way of thinking. I was always saying how we did this or that at FedEx and suggesting ways to improve. So Santa buys into my talk and decides to bring in an efficiency expert. Man, was that ever a disaster. The guy had all these equations showing how much time we’d save if the team ‘streamlined their aerodynamics,’ which he said we could do by losing our antlers and fur. I mean–Hello? Without fur, deer are NAKED. Buck naked. 

“We convinced the big guy to let us keep the fur, but none of us had a problem with losing our racks. Those suckers are heavy. Still, the public didn’t care for it, and there was some ugliness after a few of the guys were mistaken for does. 

“All in all, it’s a great job. Sure, we work our tails off that one night a year, but the rest of the time we’re treated like celebrities. We have our own personal trainers, our own private gym. I couldn’t ask for a better boss, although he’s becoming quite the prankster himself. Turned my own bean joke back on me last year, which was painful considering my buddy Donner and I are positioned in the very back, closest to the sleigh. 

“My only real disappointment is in how things have changed lately, how people seem to be far too focused on Santa and shopping and decorating. There’s talk that the elves are proposing a strike. It’s getting a lot of support, with everyone saying they’re willing to stay out as long as it takes to get this holiday back on track.

“Sure, it would be hard on the kids, but hey–if it’s a success, they’re the ones who will benefit most of all.”

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