Like millions of others, I’ve long embraced the tradition of starting the New Year by setting myself up for certain failure by choosing resolutions I doubt I’ll be able to keep. 

Like starting a diet in house still loaded with Christmas chocolates and cookies. Or getting organized when it’s miserably cold in the basement and garage. Or sticking to an exercise plan that involves anything more strenuous than shivering under a blanket.

I’ve lost track of the times I’ve resolved to exercise, lose weight, or get organized. To exercise while getting organized, thus losing weight. Or to organize the weight into something that doesn’t need exercised. So rather than doom myself to another year as a failure, this year I’m setting resolutions that should be easy to keep. 

For instance, I resolve not to swim with piranha, to break at least one traffic law, and to shower while naked. I resolve to distrust politicians, to make fun of lawyer’s television ads, and to rip every page of card stock from every magazine I encounter. 

I resolve not to bury any bodies in my back yard, not to blame PMS when I’m really just being a grouch, and not to sneak any French fries from Celeste’s Happy Meal. (I resolve to openly steal them instead.) 

I resolve to respect my husband’s school of thought on determining when it’s time to throw away food (after the specimen has achieved the full spectrum of colors or a half-inch growth of hair). In 2007, I resolve to continue my love affair with bad puns, to keep writing, and to maintain my annoying cadence of threes. 

I resolve to continue pretending I haven’t noticed when my socks don’t quite match or my pants are too short, and that I’m completely unaware there’s a cat-shaped patch of fur on my shirt. 

In 2007, I resolve to spend as much time in the kitchen perfecting my cooking skills as I did in 2006. (My husband and daughter will best understand the humor in that.) I resolve to get my name in the paper at least once a week. 

I resolve to continue falling asleep with my glasses on because I like how it feels when Geoff takes them off.  In 2007, I will continue to daydream, to be easily distracted, and . . . something else. 

I resolve to occasionally take a nap because one of my dogs or cats looks like it needs a sleeping companion. 

I resolve to let my daughter pick out my clothes so I don’t dress too old. (She forced me to type that.) And to put off dieting, getting organized, or starting an exercise program for another twelve months. 

This entry was posted on Saturday, December 30th, 2006 at 12:00 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.