I probably shouldn’t admit this about myself, since I know it isn’t polite, but I love to eavesdrop.

I don’t go out and make a deliberate effort to do it, but sometimes — especially with those talking on cell phones — it’s hard to avoid. Usually I’ll be sitting alone in a crowded restaurant when some particularly intriguing little phrase will waft over from an adjoining booth. Before I know it, I’m totally sucked into the conversation. I’ll stop chewing — stop breathing — afraid of missing the pinnacle of what’s being said when there’s no polite way to get them to repeat. 

But what’s nearly as bad is to be sitting all alone and overhear something so funny you can’t help but laugh. Especially when you’re someone who tends to laugh easily. And loudly. 

So I’d like to give a tip of my hat to those five witty diners at T.G.I. Fridays, who I had the benefit of sitting near recently. 

Said one of the men, “I was driving to work when this thought crossed my mind …” 

Interrupted another, “I bet it had a long, lonely trip.” 

Later on, I heard the lone woman say, “He’s the kind of guy you’d use as a blueprint for building an idiot. I mean, everyone has a right to be stupid once in a while, but isn’t he abusing the privilege?” 

Their waiter even joined in their shtick; saying [unnamed] was so ugly that when she “walked in the room, the mice jumped on chairs.” 

On New Year’s Eve, we attended a party hosted by my in-laws at their home in Morgantown. It was there that I happened to overhear one distinguished-looking gentleman telling another, “I’d really love to help you out. Which way did you come in?” 

I lurked near him for a while, hoping to catch another good line, but it wasn’t until much later when he himself was preparing to go that I heard him say, “I’d like to leave you with this one last thought … but I’m fairly certain you’d have nowhere to put it.” 

The insultee seemed completely unaware he’d been stung, which made the line even funnier.

While talking with a friend who was attending the party, I mentioned the high-quality insults I’d overheard.

She said, “You know, you don’t seem to be yourself tonight. I noticed the improvement immediately.” 

Turns out she too is an insult aficionado, and the day after the party, she e-mailed a collection of classic insults to me. 

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” — Groucho Marx 

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” — Oscar Wilde 

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” — Paul Keating 

“She looks like something that would dine on its young.” — Dorothy Parker 

“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” — Forrest Tucker 

“I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.” — Stephen Bishop 

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address?” — Mark Twain 

I like the timeless, intellectual feel of the insults from the past. There’s a classiness to them that makes their bite a bit better than most of what I hear — or overhear — now.

This entry was posted on Sunday, January 7th, 2007 at 11:18 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.