Tips for Vacationing On A Budget
A severe decline in travel is being predicted for this summer due to the high cost of gas and related price increases. Hotel and airline reservations are down; cruise bookings are slow. Many families are finding their budgets tightened to the point where vacations simply aren’t possible.
But with just a little creativity and an open mind, it’s possible to have a vacation experience without ever leaving the state. For instance, you can duplicate both the look and feel of a week at the beach by purchasing five sessions at a tanning salon and using all five sessions consecutively. (More realistic touches can be had by placing a beach towel on the tanning bed to achieve a one-sided burn, or by wearing your sunglasses while lying in the bed.)
To more fully simulate the beach vacation experience, sprinkle sand in your bed sheets, towels, swimsuit bottom, short pockets and shoes. (If no sand is available, clumping cat litter is a suitable substitute.)
You and the family can replicate the amusement park experience by setting a timer to ding every four minutes for an hour and a half. Each time it dings, have everyone in your family take one step forward. At the end of the hour and a half, have everyone exclaim that it was worth every second. Repeat.
To achieve the amusement park aroma, spin in circles until you and/or your children have regurgitated six to nine of your previous meals. Allow resulting mess to simmer for two to four hours. For maximum effectiveness, add hot grease, tanning lotion and bug spray.
To further the amusement park experience, go to McDonald’s and request a hamburger with a stale bun and no condiments, then give the cashier a 10. Don’t collect any change.
Other inexpensive ways to feel you’ve have the vacation experience: 
Cut strips of paper and write “Sanitized for your protection” on each one. Every day, slide one of the strips diagonally across your commode. Maximize the effect by folding the end of the toilet paper into a neat “V” shape. Place a Gideon Bible in your nightstand drawer.
Wear something hideous or grossly skimpy in public while insisting it’s OK because no one there will ever see you again.
Produce the feel of world travel by assigning each family member a different accent they must speak in for the entire week.
Wear a wet bathing suit.
Park both family cars end to end in your driveway. In the front car, turn on the right turn signal. Sit in the car behind it. For 10 hours. For complete experience, add children who alternate saying “Are we there yet?” with “I have to pee” and an adult who intermittently threatens the children that if they (a) “don’t stop immediately” or (b) “don’t keep your hands to yourself,” then they are going to (a) “leave you by the side of the road” or (b) “strap you both to the hood of the car.”
Slice soap into small, rectangular slivers and cover with paper. Leave a stack of white hand and bath towels next to an ice bucket on your bathroom sink.
Wear wrinkled clothing and a camera around your neck.
Or you could share a rental cottage with friends. Visit relatives. Look at a map and find all the places within three hours of home that you’ve been wanting to see (or see again).
Or you could just buy a cheap hammock, stock up on books and stay home.
June 1st, 2008 at 8:16 pm
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June 17th, 2008 at 1:46 am
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